Journey and Self Discover Your Dreams, Goals, Visions and Who You are, want to be, and who or what within us or is in our lives may be time to divorce, let go of, modify or change...
What I have written and am writing doesn't have to do with Religion, Spirituality, or Faith though this Study Guide does. Inspiration can come from anything, anybody, anywhere and nowhere. There's no definition of Who, what, where, how, or why we may or might or not be inspired. Please stop limiting yourself or editing your exposure or who you or anybody else "allows" you to be inspired by. Any race, creed, faith, atheist, agnostic, color, culture, city, country, region, school, age, being, entity, people, place, face ,voice, season, attitude, written material, picture, media, machine, ANYTHING, ANYWHERE, Any time or time period, or Anybody even a nobody can be found to be inspiring, or even thought provoking*.
The "God" as a ____________ problem or issue or just a matter of reframing something that is challenging?
When I was pressured into the Recovery community though I wasn't an addict in 1999, Minneapolis, Minnesota the use of the word God and what I grew up with caused a 😬 cringe, in me. God was not really imparted all that equally, healthily, and was a part of a childhood that had abuse, molestation, rape, adoption, fostering, identity _________ (theft, fraud, [reassignment* is what somebody did to my current flow of identity, in another country and from another country*], AEIYT identity 1896 era which relates to 1919,1921, and more 1999,03(01 relates to 01) SOil, SOL, EIL, personified, identified, villanized and figrap sounds like Fig rap put together, and more), trafficking of me, illegal recordings of me, stolen fertility, undue hostility from people, framed, farmed, infant testing, infanticide of me, forced you name it, and the death unjustly as it turns out as it was and is murder of my Grandpa Pelton the Sun☀️ in my life at 10 years old in 1990. Therefore God became associated with all of that or some of it and was not a happy thing for me.
God this, God that, grated, it was like nails on a chalkboard hearing it over and over, to turn it, my will over to God,( Alcoholics Anonymous). In some places Higher Power was used instead of God which allowed me to think of things in a different way, other people's concepts of a higher power were different and broader, even A.A. or N.A. could be seen as the higher power. I stuck with it though, even though I wasn't in need of A.A. or N.A., in the reality of (#ckichknowingvregardless) knowing regardless of someones opinion that I was not and am still not an addict or alcoholic but recovery had a lot to offer me anyways as it was a community that is supportive, responsive, accepting, understanding, a good foundation, has elements that can be utilized by anybody for recovery and or redemption from anything for anybody. So even if something like this study guide is about a faith or religion or spiritually what I am writing inspired by some of the questions, then from the experiential wisdom of my life, my interactions with people, the professionals throughout my life, my coworkers, bosses, trainings, different types of work and volunteer jobs, my encounters with different perspectives, peoples, attitudes , schools of thought, education, jobs or careers, beliefs, traumatic experiences, recovery, survival, perseverance, resiliencey etc., music, movies, television, cable, books, college, growing up different kids, schools, being institutionalized in my childhood and teen years in Minnesota, exposure to different communities including GLBTA(allies), Homeless, BDSM, and then the Recovery communities including Mental Health, chronic conditions, pain, gambling, sex, adult children of _________, emotions, trauma, Bully, etc, as well as my exposure to the people I served in my work or volunteer jobs, self help education and more.
I am building a self awareness questionnaire, journey, and quest for people to access for free if they choose to. The quest to find yourself, who you are, who you are not, who you might be, who you were, who you want to be, what is yours, what is not yours, who is for you, who may not be, who we aspire or aspired to be, who or where we dreamed about or dreamed we would be or an outcome would be*, who we imagined ourselves to be versus who we were or are, who we are when nobody is looking/when there's no chance or seemingly no chance of getting caught at something or someone seeing us in a private moment when we believe nobody hears or can see us, who we are deep down where nobody gets to see* even we may not see all of ourselves, who we seem to be, who others see or we think they see for our self awareness is from our perspective, experience, and knowledge not theirs.
What's some or one of the most challenging: things or, people or, jobs or, careers or, training or, organization or, Faith or, no belief or lack of, or living situations or family or friends or connections or ___________ anything that you have not just managed to survive, survivors, as everyone or everybody has strife, has challenges, has hardship(s), has identity _________, has possibly a beef or beefs or ___________ or predjudice or a judgement of self or others or a ___________( way of life, science, or questions, or traumatic experiences, thought process or school of thought....)any of these may or may not have served you well that's up to you to decide. Try maybe taking a deeper look at any of these or all depending upon the time you have, what you are looking to accomplish, what your goals are , what your dreams are (and yes I hope everybody has dreams, it's never too late to do almost anything, your not too old or young, educated or not, poor or rich, busy or _________, depressed or angry, emotional ir numb, sober or not, predjuciced or equal, superior or made to feel inferior, homeless or living a life you never chose, lost or being strongarmed, hurt or confused, evil or good, victim or perpetrator, or anything to not have dreams, goals, hopes, wishes, changes in the near future, visions, quests, journeys, adventures, legacies to honor or build or participate in or ___________, projects, contributions to _________ big or small, opportunities, possibilities and all the buffet of life in this world or possibly off of it with so much space progress , no WALL E (Disney movie reference, which we were and some still plan on doing, um responsibility please, yes even myself)world though okay, no abandoning or forsaking what has sustained if not nourished us as peoples upon this planet or off of it , you never know.
Evaluate pros and cons, things learned, collateral beauty what the damages cost or benefits were long term, even now, lists of the great moments and memories even with pictures, with setbacks looked back upon objectively not so judgementally (it might help to think if you were talking to someone you cared or care about when evaluating yourself or others wherever and however speaks to you healthily which can be cool, detached, loud, authoritative, manipulative, nasty, kinky, incentivized (is a good idea anyways even for things like this as it can be hard to stick with it all the way through, without the carrot on the end of the stick we also aren't rewarding hard work which is in the end rewarding and yet is never easy to uncover, stop hiding even from yourself, honest, fair, thorough, healing, cathartic, and a I will finish this, end of it even saving along the way could even be a trip, camping is cheap, hostels or for pay places somewhere or visiting someone you maybe even lost touch with even years to decades ago, a want that might support your dreams, visions, and goals or something frivolous yet memorable as memories and experiences are what matters, people, places even nature matter not things or possessions).We are harsh critics and have: the itty bitty shitty committees in our heads with skewed memories, zombies that won't shut up or die, skeletons in the closet, baggage and or luggage, others judgements, criticisms, blame, shame,guilt, others participation in _____________ in our life, or job, or work place, our faith, our environment, our awareness or lack of, our misinformation, our or their misinterpretation, misguided intentions, Advice that's more like shoulds, coulds, woulds 🖕,( that's what my inner teenager says to that) and contributory factors to our roots of our tree or whatever you want to imagine including media, Television, music, art, politics, religion, school, work, trainings, retreats, ill guided stolen work profited off of but done wrong, miseducation, Subliminals, beefs, issues, trauma, mistakes, miscalculations, impulsivity, attack backs and tit for tats, immaturity, superiorority, anal a**holes don't genderize it, repression, suppression, lies, dishonesty, gossip, betrayal, deception, hidden __________(meanings, signs, symbolism, language, agreements even contractual, sabateurs, manipulators, false victims, thieves, terrorists, treasonists, drama, abusers, users, traumatized, victimized, culprits, eggers on, role players, dramatized, dramatic, induced situational _________, fated, destined, starred, blocked, barred, abandoned, forsaken, forced, trafficked, sold, owned, owed, motives, agendas, rapists, genocidal, suicidal, dying, diseased, vengeance, reckonings, purgers, dirgers, surgers, hoarders, forced exposures therapy, forceporn, ncporn, conditioning,biotechnology, toxic _________, sacrificed, martyred, profiteering, sheltering, runaways, escape artists, psychic maladaptive authority dependent upon sadist methods to force experience people even in a live SAW movie type of way right in front of us, natzi resurgences, suffragette constitutional prostitutes, dove love, whores, sluts, heros, villians, vendettas, propaganda, milkers, bilkers, con artists, fakes, phonies, wraith, wars, riots, scores, plans, planners, detractors, ingratiators, chanced meetings, stalkers, traitors,murderers, torturers, plotters, roled, crazy, deaf, disabled, maimed, there's so much to account for and so many who contribute to our fucked upness or what we say is just us or healthy or good or only natural progression or our best or bettermen selves or rightness or ___________ or we are blameless in ___________ or forced or an awakening of my former __________ self, or anything!
Look 😂 okay because I want you to realize what's not yours and at the same time there's a reason it's not an excuse to do __________ any longer if it's not healthy for you or others it might be time to evaluate that. Conversely to go the other way either, everything was the world nothing was mine, they made me do it, your whole life 🤔 I was at gun point umm 😳 all those years 🧐 really? So it's not that none of this is yours because I have run into this , the pendulum swings back and forth, but when or who I was born to, I was a baby they taught me this, hmm you never learned anything different anywhere, all or always, never, no one, nobody ever, please feel in the blanks there because if you had no part in your life at all I would wonder about you, institutionalized from birth? This is supposed to help you have a awakening in your life, to inspire hopefully taking an active role in who is in your life, what you do , what you choose to participate in, or believe or exclude/protect yourself from or _________, where you spend time, effort, resources, who you give to if anybody or anything, who gets any of yourself or none, what career or job is the one you want or are passionate about or does you well, who you listen and or hear, where you live, what you eat and or drink, your vice, who you let __________ in your life, who you trust or don't, what you trust or don't, who you are not: anybody else's groomed, trained, criticized, trodden, fixer Fucking upper project like an unfinished basement or a car that needs work, whatever, whoever, wherever YOUR VOICE YOUR CHOICE. Nobody gets to make your choices for you, nobody gets to define you, nobody gets to shape, mold, form, yourself which is becoming more malleable during this process or ever if you don't let them, or get help getting away from them, far away if you can. Quid pro quos here this is not for you to get yourself hurt or in danger or others with or dependent upon you children, pets, elders whoever it is there are safe conciliation type efforts to extract your self even suiting their nature, check even with somebody who is more theirs that has shown disapproval, disdain, verbally spoken up or at, has tried to even distract them with themselves but a possible comfortable situation as far as it's been this way or they don't really see them when you do, can aid you in being able to help both of you move on from whatever type of situation it is. Another, please don't just go attacking anybody, did you have misconceptions or ____________ too, blaming as well does us wrong actually if it's a turn the other butt cheek then go for it otherwise you might be able to help wake them up a bit( bringing you to something even a empowerment seminar, or online something or their religion or ____________, how did they get there?), gently extract yourself amicable is better, are they to blame or how were they raised, roots, taught, role models: I am not saying forgiveness that comes from the heart in a natural way, let go of whatever it is and know there's a reason it's not an excuse, for them to have or be __________ and for me to be ___________ (done, boundaries, a co worker and not anything else etcetera). Hopefully people do this or have with us. 90/10 principal okay. My newfound autonomy and or new leaf is mine it is not you, it's also not yours to stop, change, flip, guilt, coerce, shame, bully, manipulate, blame, get angry at, say I am acting __________( selfish, stupid, stingy, or anything else) and expect this. I have never come across not ever there not being some sort of fight back, lash out, sabotage, or ___________, people depended upon you being who, your changing this is not okay, your __________ to me ( my bank, my rock, my bully, my doormat, my blamed, my goat, my sheep, my gamble, my sex, my meal ticket, my get out of ___________, my sunshine, my steady, my Duff, my family, my friend, my confidant, my information, my tattler, my tattler, my strength, my defender, my store, my credence, my credit, my home away from home, my ride, my dependable, my irresponsible, my immature, my I am ________ to (guru, their __________, god, divine intervention, advisor, guide, their backbone, their excuse, ), my fill in , my laughter, my like _________ (sibling, child, parent), And more. Know this will happen and mark it down, figure out who you were to them and have or build responses, boundaries, rules and consequences for them. Stick to them no matter what, random wins like a slot machine will only make it harder. This is supposed to be about you, not them, and it is. We just may have fit or been fit into the world in ways we did and didn't know. You might be able to figure out others even from witnessing, reading, or hearing about others experiences.
Be prepared as well for emotional turmoil, grief even of realizing who somebody might be in your life, loss, frustration, the fuck it's, setbacks, and have some brakes plus breaks because this journey is not for the light of cover. Revelations, Recovery and Redemption are what's in here. If your not ready thanks for reading, I wasn't ready a few times, I did keep going back though. I am and this is mine grateful,( or was found out about planned, forced, and sabotaged experiences that are having me reevaluate) for the experiences that I have had even traumatic, even rape, even adoption to a family not allowed to live, accept, or understand me it has made me who I am and I like me it's the rest of the world that chooses not to like me and the fact that I have even overcome things like being robbed, injured on purpose by someone, planned car accident, stalking, stolen identity that people don't like upon hearing my name and I have never been there, met them or done them wrong, and you have forced me to either die or persevere as murdered at least once too. Euthanasia would be kinder is a saying of mine, world that knows and doesn't know me. You can change. You can also help others change just by changing yourself. One person can change the course of even the world, it's been proven whose to say what the ripples in the pond will be, looking beyond the surface can be difficult, different as we are fed so much and question so little that actually deserves questioning even to ourselves. The strength of resolve, resolution, resiliencey, and building a life that's yours and your informed decision or choice is worth it if you think it is, if you know in your heart, mind, and soul that this journey is about you rescuing yourself, reclaiming yourself, and redefining yourself in what you want for your life nobody else's, that being said if you have dependants or children or a partner, spouse, roomie, etcetera there's other considerations there.
When we evaluate our selves, our life, our obstacles, challenges, rebelliousness, fights, our younger selves that peek out or shout out of us, our peers, our views, our perspectives, our take aways, our inner voice versus the outside world intruding in our lives, our peace, our contentment and ___________, we can begin or start to excavate like Jurrasic Park or Jurrasic World slowly uncovering what's there, what's us what's sticking to us, where our scars can make us actually more beautiful if we have been able to work through what's there, even that we are hiding from ourselves or the world, and nobody deserves to know those part(s) of us if they haven't earned trust and some may remain just ours nobody's business at all.
What's me?
Who am I, by myself?
Who am I around ___________ or out in public?
Where is the real me?
I am an I not a we, not an 👁️, not a ear for others to eavesdrop or coerce or coax information I don't feel comfortable giving about myself or anybody else can be your stand, this level happens when pushed.
What are my boundaries?
Can I define them?
Can I defend them?
Can I push back even gently?
Is this my beef? Is this your beef?
What's the Silent or secret beef or secreted* 🍖?
Are these my issues or _____________ issues?
Am I being defensive or am I being protective or proactive or _____________?*
When you hit one of your own walls try to remember it(write it or log it for further introspective exploration), anger, frustration, silence if that's your way, or lash out, or _________?
To be continued...
Jade Raven Pelton currently in Wyoming Cheyenne 11:51 at night July 2, 2024 in a shelter
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Update 2:49 p.m. July 4, 2024
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